hi

today is feeling very empty, i dont feel sad, but i also dont really feel anything else.

a crush recently came back to the internet after being gone for a few months, i really missed them.
they still haven't responded to me, they have bpd so its somewhat to be expected, im trying to work around it.

i think i might have bpd as well, i dont get angry or split on people, but the intense fear of abandonment, the intense mood swings and mood dependant on others is absolutely there
sometimes i also get attached to people really fast, where the logical part of my brain doesnt really understand why, but emotionally im obsessed.

mood swings are so painful, the downs make you feel like you were never happy, even when you know otherwise, and the ups are self destructive, and the joy is fleeting.
i hope that one day i can have a stable mood, that i can love myself, and forgive the mistakes i make, have happiness thats dependant on myself, and not others.

i wonder if i can feel some happiness soon, i need a break from this pain, at least the mania makes me forget why i was ever sad.

im starting this diary because i know i need to get my feelings out, i want to feel heard, even if only strangers will ever stumble across this.

lately i have been missing my ex, i say lately but by that i mean since we broke up, early november 2023.

i struggle with feelings of meaninglessness, hopelessness, worthlessness, and lately i cry pretty much every single day.

i guess this website is my last attempt of trying to work things out before i give up

i often think about suicide, i really dont want it to end that way, but i also cant keep living with this unbearable pain i feel every day.

these are probably the type of things i will write about here, but i also want to give some info on who i am.
my name is lucie, im 21 as of right now, and i am studying electrical engineering, currently in my third semester

lucie's diary

emptiness

first post!